I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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