I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
