Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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