I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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