And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
