my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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