Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
