I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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