she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
40s are totally the cure
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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