Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
