At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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