Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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