I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
