I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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