onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
