dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
