I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
