its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Randomize
