That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
