I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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