I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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