You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
