Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
