how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
