I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
