I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
did i just pee glitter
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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