we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
