i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
