So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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