when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
