It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
