he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
