I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
