We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Who died my cat blue again?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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