True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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