Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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