sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
