he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
false alarm, still single
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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