4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
