Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
