Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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