I just pynch a tree in the face
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
