I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
