I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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