she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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