why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
