happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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