My boss' voice literally gives me gas
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
