I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
