I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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